


Mustache

by Just_Absolutely_Super



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Headcanon, Humor, Post-Promised Day, partial crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 18:45:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14575266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Absolutely_Super/pseuds/Just_Absolutely_Super
Summary: After seeing Edward sporting some facial hair, Roy decides to try out a new look for himself. Nobody is pleased.





	Mustache

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short crack fic about the mustache Bones (for some weird reason) gave Roy in FMA:B, but then I wrote 2k words. Also there’s more Royai and Edwin in here than I thought there would be but hey, I’m all for happy accidents.
> 
> Inspired by the fandom collectively agreeing that Roy looks terrible with a mustache while Ed grows up to sport a beard (based on a sketch Arakawa made of Edward throughout the years) and looks pretty dang good imho.
> 
> I have reason to believe Roy would get frustrated that Ed of all people would look better with facial hair than him.
> 
> Also, FYI since it’s post Promise Day, I’ve decided to promote a lot of the military characters by one rank. So when you read that Kain Fuery is a Warrant Officer and not a Master Sergeant, that’s because Warrant Officer is the rank above that. Same goes for Jean Havoc and why he’s called a First Lieutenant and not a Second Lieutenant. I just want to avoid my reviewers adjusting their glasses and being all, “Actually…” about it.

It starts one year after the promise day, where Roy Mustang meets the Elric Brothers again at Elicia’s fifth birthday party.

The little girl had wanted her “Big Sister Winry” to be there for the celebration, so of course Gracia insisted the boys tag along since they were overdue for a visit.

The newly appointed Brigadier General had felt obligated to attend the party as well, at least just to chat with Hughes’s wife and give the little girl a small present. Riza Hawkeye—now promoted to the title of Captain—accompanied him, having befriended the widow and wanting to see the trio from Resembool.

When the three teenagers arrived, everyone was surprised to see the state of the oldest Elric, namely his face. Along his jaw line were fine golden hairs in the form of stubble, giving his youthful face some age to it.

Roy chuckled good-naturedly, “Trying out a new look, Fullmetal?”

Ed’s cheeks colored in embarrassment as he scratched the back of his head. “Didn’t have time to shave this morning…” was his mumbled answer.

Winry patted him on his arm and told him he looked fine, causing the former State Alchemist to blush harder and his younger brother to giggle. Riza also voiced her approval of the look.

“It doesn’t look bad, Edward.” She then inquired, “Would you want to grow a full beard someday?”

Ed rolled his eyes and muttered something along the lines of not wanting to look like his “useless old man.” That earned a scowl from Alphonse, who chastised his brother’s disrespect of their deceased father. Ed just shrugged and waved his brother off.

As the festivities went on, Roy couldn’t help but ponder on a few things. Edward really did not look bad with some facial hair. Odd to think about considering he’s known the boy since he was eleven, and given his short stature the former alchemist always looked young for his age. Now that Edward is seventeen and finally grew a couple of inches, the show of puberty finally taking over in the form of morning stubble gave him a mature look.

Edward Elric mature.

What a concept.

That led to Roy thinking some more.

Would _he_ look good with facial hair?

The man never thought much about his own appearance. The military academy had been strict about looking professional and encouraged soldiers to always keep a clean-shaven look. After graduating and becoming a full-fledged soldier, Roy just continued to follow those strict dress codes: keep your hair out of your eyes; keep any facial hair trimmed or none at all; no piercings (for men) or tattoos showing.

Since this was a new era for the country, perhaps Roy should enter a new era as well and try out a new look.

He decided to start with a beard first, which had been easier said than done. The growing process took a long time and as his black stubble got longer, the more ragged he looked.

Jean laughed at him and told him he looked like a hobo. In revenge, Mustang took away his cigarettes.

He decided to just forget about the beard all-together when one of the military issued psychiatrists came up to him one day and asked him if he was feeling depressed and wanted to come into his office to have a talk. Apparently the beard gave him such an unkempt look that people thought he wasn’t taking care of himself. It made him look more like a sad puppy than a respected military officer, much to his chagrin.

He shaved that night, although kept a patch of hair for his chin. That was a look right? Jean sported something like this and it looked fine on him.

“Sorry Boss, but you just can’t pull it off,” the First Lieutenant told him with Breda, Falman, and Fuery shaking their heads sadly behind him.

He turned to Riza, who gave him a sympathetic look.

“He’s right, Sir. It doesn’t suit you.”

_Et tu, Captain Hawkeye?_

Roy ultimately shaved off his attempt at facial hair, disappointed and a little pissed off. How could that hot headed shrimp Edward Elric pull off something as simple as facial hair but _he can’t_?

It was insane! And downright humiliating to boot!

He wouldn’t give up though, so he announced the next day to his team that he’d try again.

But this time, he’ll grow a mustache.

Team Mustang gave him an incredulous look. He expected them to protest, but was given sighs of resignation instead.

“Fine, Mustang. Do what you want,” Havoc said as he put out his cigarette into the nearby ashtray.

“If it makes you happy,” Fuery said with an uneasy smile.

“Ten bucks says he shaves it off after a day,” Breda murmured to Falman.

“Hmm, I’d give it a week,” Falman replied.

Roy looked to see Riza’s reaction. Her usually cool face was twisted into a frown, but she didn’t say anything. Roy could tell what she was thinking, though.

_“I don’t like it, but if it’s what you want and you don’t hurt anybody with it then I won’t stop you.”_

Roy raised an eyebrow at her. Honestly, it was just a mustache. How bad could it be?

Well, in his defense, he wasn’t really aware _how bad_ it was.

When he looked in the mirror, he would see the styled black hairs on his upper lip and think, _“Not bad.”_ He thought it made him more distinguished. And considering he was entering his thirties, he thought it was quite age appropriate.

Nobody else thought so, but nobody would exactly _tell_ him.

This was because the military officers who were under him were too intimidated to say anything. He was the Brigadier General after all. And his friends wouldn’t say anything because they had to deal with his moping about the beard for longer than they thought they should have, so why not let the man have his fun? Besides, they could always make fun of it behind his back.

Riza had hinted her distaste for the… _thing_ as HQ liked to dub it. However, like the rest of Roy’s friends, she opted to let him have this one little thing and politely kept her mouth shut.

Although, there was one person on this earth who was _not_ known to be polite. Especially to a certain “Brigadier General Bastard.” That person was Edward Elric.

One year after Roy’s decision to try out facial hair, the man received an invitation to attend the wedding of Edward and Winry. Of course he, Riza, and the rest of the military personnel who knew the former Fullmetal Alchemist were ecstatic to attend and hopped on the next train to Resembool to witness the union between the two blonds.

It was a beautiful wedding, of course, with a lot of guests. The reception was held out in a large field close to the Rockbell home to accommodate everyone. That was where Roy reunited with the boy formerly under his command. He was about to shake Edward’s hand and let him know how happy he was for him when the young man decided to remind everyone that he had no filter for that mouth of his…

“What the _fuck_ is on your face?”

Roy’s eyebrow twitched, trying _very_ hard not to grimace at the newly wedded man.

“It’s a mustache, Fullmetal. Ever heard of one?” he tried to quip. Too bad this was Edward Elric he was talking to.

“God, you look like a porn star.”

Now Roy was grimacing, feeling every vein in his head pop. But he restrained himself. It would be very rude to have a fight with the groom on his wedding day in front of all his guests and new wife.

“Or like one of those villains from those movies. You know, the ones that twist their mustache evilly while tying the damsel to the train tracks. Should I warn our female guests Mr. Brigadier General, Sir?” Ed continued to jeer, a self-satisfying smirk on his face as he continued to bust his former superior’s balls. Or in this case, mustache.

Lifting one of his hands up in a threatening manner, Roy calmly said, “May I remind you, Edward, that one of us can still use alchemy? It’d be a shame if I had to use it on such a special day for you…”

“Good, you can use it to burn that _thing_ off your face.”

Oh that was IT!

Fortunately for everyone present, the scuffle between the two men was only brief as a well-aimed wrench and the noise of gunfire ceased their actions.

Riza took Roy by the arm and led him away from Edward, who was getting the scolding of a lifetime by both his bride and brother.

“You need to control your temper, Sir. That was very unbecoming of you,” the Captain chastised.

“That little punk started it!” Roy childishly argued, “He was making fun of my mustache!”

Riza chose to remain silent. Roy stared at her for a long while before he gave a defeated sigh and slumped his shoulders.

“It really does look bad, doesn’t it?”

Riza hesitated only for a moment before opting to be honest with her commanding officer. She nodded at him.

“Just like the beard, General, it does not suit you at all.”

Roy heaved another sigh, “Thought so. What does everyone else think?”

Riza then ticked off her hands as she spoke: 

“Those who are under your rank try to stay quiet, but do whisper about how…unsightly it is. Armstrong wants to teach you techniques that have been passed down his family for generations on how to grow the perfect mustache. Meanwhile, his sister the Major General has been threatening to slice off your entire face with her sword. I’ve recently heard Emperor Ling Yao ask his bodyguard to clip it off with her kunai while you slept. Fuhrer Grumman keeps asking me why you have a caterpillar stuck to your lip, and then there’s Havoc, who has been trying to stage a coup in order to shave it off. And I think Alphonse has been—”

“Okay, I get it, everything thinks I look terrible. You can stop now, Captain!” Roy interrupted, more pissed off about the violent acts people having been plotting just for a lousy piece of facial hair. Ridiculous!

The two were silent for a while before Roy asked his closest confidant another question.

“Do I _really_ look like a porn star?”

Riza couldn’t help it, she laughed.

At the sight, Roy couldn’t help but laugh too.

“Honestly,” he said through his chuckles, “here I am, trying to pull off some kind of fad. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?”

Riza tried to stifle her laughter, “I don’t think it’s quite that bad. You just wanted to try something new. Just like me growing out my hair.”

“Yeah, but you look good no matter what hairstyle you have.”

That stopped Riza short. Despite herself, she blushed.

“Thank you, Sir,” she said, keeping her tone even and professional.

Roy gave her a soft smile, “You’re welcome.”

After the small moment, Mustang excused himself to the Rockbell home. There he found Edward’s shaving kit and went to work to remove his mustache. Once he returned to the reception, he scowled as everyone cheered and clapped at the sight of his clean-shaven face.

“Thank God you got rid of that stupid thing!” Jean told him, taking a sip of his champagne. “I was afraid I’d never see it go away.”

“Ha ha,” Roy sarcastically said with a roll of his eyes. “The Captain informed me of your little plan for a coup. Be ready for a mountain of paperwork first thing at work tomorrow morning!”

“Eh, worth it,” Jean chuckled, tipping his glass back.

“Just out of curiosity, General,” Kain piped up, “what made you decide to grow a beard and then a mustache in the first place?”

Roy blinked at the question and flitted his eyes to Edward, who was laughing as he twirled Winry around on the makeshift dance floor. He then thought back to the kit he had borrowed from the younger man and how it looked like it was recently used. The only conclusion being that Edward had shaved that morning before his wedding. Roy scowled.

“Seemed unfair that a runt who didn’t grow an inch until he was sixteen looked better with a beard than me.”

Jean and Kain stared at the Flame Alchemist in confusion before sharing a look.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait,” Jean said, “You mean to tell me that we went through a _year_ of this nonsense because you were _jealous_ of Ed?”

Without missing a beat, Roy said, “Yep.”

Jean and Kain blinked and then proceeded to burst into laughter.

“This is too much! I gotta tell Breda and Falman!” Havoc cackled, slapping his knee and running to where his colleagues were.

“I’m sorry, Sir,” Fuery apologized as he wiped away his tears of mirth, “but that’s just too ridiculous to not laugh at.”

“Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system, Warrant Officer.”

Riza took that moment to come back to his side. She raised an eyebrow at the still laughing Kain Fuery.

“Don’t ask.” Mustang said.

“I wasn’t going to.” She smiled.

It became an unspoken rule to never speak of the “Facial Hair Incident” again. It was only ever brought up again at get-together over drinks and reminiscing about the “good old days.”

Though Edward Elric—forever a pain in Roy Mustang’s ass no matter how much time has past—will _never_ let the man live it down.

And it is forever immortalized in the form of a stray picture hung up on a board that resides in the Rockbell-Elric home. The picture was a candid photo of Brigadier General Mustang and Captain Riza Hawkeye out in public. In the picture, Roy is looking off to the side, hair slicked back and face free of any facial hair.

Edward’s copy, however, has a marker drawn mustache on Roy’s face; the likeness of which is uncannily similar to Roy’s original mustache. Winry would raise her eyebrow at her husband and ask why he defaced the picture.

Her husband’s reply?

“Never forget.”

**Author's Note:**

> For those who have never read the manga, Roy does not have a mustache in that picture of him in the FMA finale. Imagine my confusion when I get to the final chapter and see he doesn’t have the thing that launched a thousand memes. So for this fic I’m going entirely by the manga canon (since, you know, it is the legit canon), and adding a headcanon that Roy did have a mustache but shaved it off because everyone agreed it sucked. The picture we see in FMA:B is a prank by Ed that he hangs up on the wall of pictures in his and Winry’s home. That’s inspired by a tumblr post I saw, where Roy’s ‘stache is from Ed defacing a picture of him with a permanent marker. I 100% approve this headcanon.
> 
> If you liked this silly fic then leave some kudos and a comment. Thank you!


End file.
